On the Road to My Recovery: My Battle with Depression and Anxiety

This post is probably going to be the most personal of the posts that I have done as a blogger. To start off, I would like to Thank you for taking the time to read this post as I hope that it can inspire or help someone to reach out for help and reminding each and everyone of you that you are not alone if you are dealing with mental illness. I am writing this because I want to shine light in the topic of mental health and know what I am upset with the stigma surrounding this important health issue. Mental illness is affecting millions of Americans and people worldwide including me. I myself have dealt with and currently is battling depression and anxiety. For many years i have been dealing with depression and anxiety and I know how dark and scary it feels to be in this state of mind. However, everybody's illness is different but I know that darkness is the common theme. As a kid I remember being anxious, yet at the time I did'nt know what it was or have even heard of a thing called "anxiety." I do remember that towards the end of my high school year, my anxiety was haunting me again with out of control worries of how to get through the next day. I was somehow planning of how my life would turn out the next day. I was stuck with only thinking about the future. I was starting to sleep less and less because of this and yet at this time, I did not know that what i was dealing with was anxiety. I did not know that it existed! My first panic attack happened during the summer of when I graduated High School. From then on, my life changed alot. My first experience of having a panic attack led me to the hospital and I remember those days quite perfectly.I was feeling lost, lonely, confused of all the emotions and panic that was happening to me. I felt like a freak and ashamed for feeling like this. After getting a diagnosis for anxiety, my life changed completely. I had insight into what I was dealing with and finally understood that there was such a thing called anxiety. But after my first panic attack, I became more fearful of having to expereince another one. I was a downhill spiral of fear and anxiety. I lost alot of weight, I was afraid to be by myself, I was afraid to go outdoors and fear of having a panic attack, I struggled to go to sleep, I ate less etc. With all of these emotions and fears I was going through, I experienced my first depressive episode. It was quite a dark one if I can recall and I just wanted to be in my room the entire time. You are probably thinking wow, so why didn't you reach out for help after feeling this? Well..I did not reach out for help because I didnt want people to think I was a failure or a freak. My own parents didnt think I needed the help, they thought that I wasnt crazy. But years later as they contiune to see my struggles, they finally realized the importance of reaching out for help.

Now those dark feelings came back as soon as I transferred to UCLA. Those years were probably the most sad but memorable years. My first year at UCLA was probably the hardest since I was still adjusting to the environment and fighting the feelings that I did not belong in that school. My demons came back in that first year as I remember having the urge to cry all the time. The good thing was that I was able to pass all my classes while feeling this was, but eventually I made it through the end of the year. This was also the year where I reached out for help and had some counseling sessions with a therapist. Unfortunetly, I failed to continue going to sessions as I had thoughts about transferring to another Univeristy close to home. So i stopped going to therapy. I did decide to stay at UCLA because i had hope in me that I would graduate. Towards the end of my senior year, I went to reach out for help again because i had those dark feelings again. I did see someone for a day but I did not contiune to reach out for help. I guess i had no motivation or energy to get help. My moods would change arruptly, I would get really angry and lash out at my family, or I would shut my self down and just cry all day. It is an emotional rollercoaster for me. Till this day, I still have not reached out for help and this is due to lack of motivation and energy to do so. But I have to do it! At this point I dont really care what people think about me or in me seeing a therapist because we are not perfect human beings. What you see in social media or in people you see in your day to day life is probably less than one percent of what they are experiencing on the outside. You really don't know what people are going through behind closed doors or outside of social media. Its best to be kind to one another because you don't know what people are actually going through from the inside. Again, thanks so much for reading if you do so. I am hear to talk if you need me in those tough times and know that it is okay to reach out for help. Millions of people are dealing with this and of course including me. :) But there is hope!